Set in Stone Outtake The Princess and the Pea
by psyche001
Summary: What was going through Edward's mind as Bella ran through the castle butt naked; being chased by Victoria the hefty super maid? Read to find out! Rated L for LOTS OF LAUGHTER!


**A/N: For all those who love Edward's inner ramblings while he is stone. Thank you for being such great readers. This is my first outtake ever. Cherry popper! I didn't make it long because you guys know the chapter already. Happy reading!**

**Annie, my bestie...you asked for this every other day...I hope you like it. It probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you. Love you BB!**

**Mary...shout out! You were the first taker for this on Twitter today! lol. Always a fan. Love ya!**

**Love all my whack pack and twitter buddies. *kisses and sloppy smooches* Yes...take it...slobber and all *grin***

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**The Princess and the Pea**

**EPOV**

The second I heard the lock on the 4th floor gate snap open I flinched. The smell was familiar. I knew that maid. She was the one that smelled like fermenting vinegar and she hummed constantly, like most people with her look do. Her voice was wobbly and unstable, high pitched and croaky and it cracked on any note above medium range. Of course that meant she hummed only in Soprano.

_What are you doing? Not today, woman! _I panicked, as I trailed her noisy movements through the corridor. She was heading to the wing with Bella's room, unlocking every door and farting like a malfunctioning balloon along the way; creating quite the chorus line to her ear pinching humming.

_Bella, wake up. Wake up baby girl and get outside here. Oh for the love of all things stony. The ONE time I actually want you to get your nosy little ass out here, you're sleeping. Fuck!_

I heard the maid mumble under her breath about needing a day off, trying to hurry one week's work into two days so that she could apply for the time.

There was nothing I could do to help Bella. I knew there was a chance she'd be discovered like that in the middle of the day when I wouldn't be able to help. But we took that chance with the hope that my monitoring the castle conversations during the day would suffice.

_Like I don't already have enough to worry about._

Strangely enough, I heard the panicked vibrations of the other Gargoyles on the roof. It surprised me to some extent. I had thought that they would want her to be found and taken away from me so that our troubles would be cut in half. Apparently, I was wrong.

Even Rosalie squealed, and the batty sound would have raised my hair if it could.

Low and behold, the maid started jingling her ridiculous batch of keys outside of Bella's door. Bella's breathing was never deeper. It was even and rhythmic and her heart rate was calm and steady.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This woman is about to have a bitch fit and I'm going to have to cringe through all of it. _

The door swung open and my stone almost cracked with the way I wanted to leap out and scoop Bella up and out of there. Jake rumbled next to me. It sounded like a deep, disturbing earthquake. That maid was lucky she didn't know what was up on that roof.

The second she spotted Bella on the bed, the note she was humming bent and cracked; effectively choking her in the process. She was scared at first, silently staring at my sleeping girl like she was the vision of a ghost. I knew because there was nothing to hear but her racing heartbeat and her audible gasps. When Bella didn't move or vanish into thin air, she finally dared to approach the bed; all the while mumbling uncouth "French" words to herself.

She must have touched her, because Bella awoke suddenly with a start.

_Well, there we have it. And now for the death match. I'm sure I'm going to pay for this tonight._

Bella dived off the bed and and stumbled away from the maid called Victoria. If I had a blood pressure to think about, it would have shot through the roof right then. I'd have fallen off my perch in disorientation and died in the worst way a Gargoyle could.

Victoria started spitting questions at Bella; Who are you? Where did you come from? How did you get in here? Nobody's allowed in here! Christ, I'm going to be fired! Oh my God, did you steal anything?! Are you a thief?!!

_Whatever you do Bella, don't say......_

"Oui," Bella said.

_Atta girl. True to form. Make this worse for us both. Thanks babe._

Victoria's head blew straight off her top, in fume. She started screaming and ranting and the next thing I knew, there was stumbling and hasty, stomping feet across the floor. There was a crashing sound and then a loud clunk followed by a ghastly squeal. It was Victoria's shrieking that alerted me to the fact that Bella had just pored hot coffee all over Victoria's hand.

_Just fucking great. Piss off the already pissed bull why don't you, Bella. The only thing that can make this any worse is making this woman chase you through the castle. _

Running Footsteps_._

_And there she goes...._

I needed a free hand to slap myself on the forehead. Understandably, she panicked but running only made it look like there was some reason to run....like being a thief perhaps? Like being caught in the act; definitely guilty.

Through the halls they went, like Tom and fucking Jerry, one light on her feet, the other.....not.

The rumbling in Jake's chest changed from deep and threatening to a light disturbance. That fucker was laughing. My ass was trembling and twisting in agony and he was amused by it.

_For Pete's sake, Bella! Don't run away! _I shouted internally at Bella. _Just stop and let her take you to the office quietly! You're making her even angrier!_

It was Victoria's threats of calling the police that changed my course of thought.

_Ok....Run!_

I'd have gone to rescue her anywhere they took her; the administration office, the hospital, the police station...the zoo. But I knew being taken to the police station without a passport or believable alibi for trespassing in a beloved French gem of a castle, would have terrified her.

I found myself both scolding her for running and essentially drawing more attention to herself; and pushing her forward. Victoria had a tone that annoyed the fucking sun out of the sky and boy, was she persistent.

"I'm going to catch you!" She shrieked in French. "You can run! But they don't call me thunder thighs for nothing!"

_Thunder thighs? Heaven help me....the visual....Run Bella! Run!_

Through the corridors, down the stairs, through the gate.....the China Vase.

_Bella! No! Oh fuck it....toss it!_

Victoria's squeal of terror and the thud I heard when she landed on the floor confirmed it. Bella had tossed the vase and Victoria saved it. There was no blood crawling crash of China on the floor.

The slapping sound of my girl's frantic little feet on the floor almost made me laugh, but the tension of the pursuit had me bound and tense. Victoria caught up to her though and what she screamed next nearly blasted a hole through my conscience.

_Le bottom? Bella...are you....? Lovely – just lovely. Bouncing butt cheeks. The cherry on the fucking top! Of course! Of course she's naked right now! How can this possibly get any worse??!_

The squealing tourists.

"I LOVE the French!"

"I'm not French, you asshole!"

_And it just got worse...._

Bella ran like the Road Runner, fast and tormenting, away from the antagonistic Coyote. Victoria continued to wail behind her, perfectly in stride. The only thing Bella didn't shout in response was, "_Beep Beep!" _That would have been fitting and Jake would have fallen off the roof laughing.

Victoria certainly didn't lie. Those thighs echoed like the inside of a double steel canon every time she stomped on the floor. The bitch was fast but Bella was little and light on her feet, so...ironically enough...she flew. She was unstoppable. Short of running into the devil himself, no one was catching her.

_*_Thud....

"Put me down!!!!"

_Of course....._

"Put me dooowwwnnn!!!"

_Oh shut it, Bella. He isn't going to do any such thing._

The rumbling in Jacob's chest was near jovial eruption. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was hearing my frustration as it happened and reveled in it.

_Shut up, Jake._

It got progressively worse. If I thought that my naked, sprinting girlfriend at the mercy of a wailing terrorist was the worst recipe for a heart attack, I had another thing coming. They took her into the office and tried to question her. Then they brought James the translator in and everything went downhill from there.

"What are you doing here, Mees Cullen," James asked.

"What? I live here!" Bella answered.

_What the....what is she doing?_

"I am a Princess and I shall have you all arrested for trespassing in my castle."

_Oh God.....the first Gargoyle to barf will be me. I'm certain of it._

I'd never experienced sensations like that in stone form before. My anxiety almost made me sweat. I was past crazy and dying of disbelief.

"What is the time please?"

"Cinq. Five o' clock."

"Thank heavens! It's evening! My Gargoyle will come soon and rescue me!"

_Hahahahaha....did she just? Hahahahaha....no she didn't.....hahahaha....well fuck me._

"Where did you come from? And what were you doing in that bedroom?" James asked.

"I told you before. I am a Princess."

_Bella, just shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Play dead if you want. Anything but this. Oh God, please intervene now and put a clamp over her mouth._

"Are you on zee drugs?"

"Zee drugs?"

_And now she's making fun of his accent. I swear....she will be the death of me._

"Oui...Are you intoxicated?"

"How _dare _you talk to a princess that way? You! Off with his head!"

_I can't listen anymore....please death...take me now. I'll go willingly. I fucking promise._

She continued with her ridiculous rambling about being a real princess...no doubt mimicking that fairytale "The Princess and The Pea," irritating the life out of James in the process.

Jacob was beside himself with glee. Any human on that roof right then would have been running for cover, expecting that the deep rumbling sounds meant an earthquake. He was cracking up while I was boiling in every possible kind of frustration. The rest of them were quiet, listening intently.

Finally, James pulled the ultimate scare tactic card. He threatened her with the police because she refused to cooperate with him. I knew what she doing. She was trying to stall, trying to beat the sun. And as much as it made sense to me....I just couldn't get past the ridiculous stalling techniques that she chose. There were no two ways about it. That entire staff would have to be hypnotized by Rosalie. Bella had created quite a scene and it would have been better if we crossed the line just a little, in order to fix it.

She got scared with the threat of jail. Her anxiety was palpable and I literally felt it connect with me. The poor thing started to panic and in her panic she made it worse.

"Jail?! Wait....you know......we can solve all of this, if ...um.....if um...."

"If VAT?"

"If you get me....a pea."

_A pea?? _I thought, in utter shock.

"A pea??????" James echoed my thoughts.

"Send for a pea!" Bella continued.

_Well that just does it. I refuse to listen anymore. I just can't. I think I'm developing an allergy to this. It actually fucking hurts._

I glared up at the sun contentiously, trying to push it out of the sky with my eyes. It just wouldn't set fast enough.....as usual.

"Vat is a pea?"

"You know??? Black eyed peas......Green peas.....Lentil peas.....even a Red Bean would do...."

_I'm not listening... la la la la la la la! _Anything to drown it out by that point.

She continued to explain in her best impression of a princess's royal tone.

_La la la la la la la la......la la la la la la la la!_

"Well, we put the pea at the bottom of the mattresses and I climb all the way up to the top...." she was saying.

_La la la la la la la....Shut up, Jake! I'll kill you! La la la la la!_

"It will prick me all night long!" she continued. There was no drowning her out.

_Would you just fucking set already!_ I screamed at the sun, desperate to reverse the entire situation and make it go away. _Be merciful!_

"SILENCE!!!" James screamed.

_Oh thank God...._

"NOT VONE MORE VORD!!"

_Now would be a good time to play dead, baby. You can do it. The hospital is better than jail. Just faint....Faint I tell you!_

They continued to talk and it occurred to me then that Bella was as either as ignorant as a blind man or entirely shock proof. I hadn't known another person to push the envelope as far as she did that day but I shouldn't have been shocked. She _did_ run away with a Gargoyle, after all.

When she started teasing him about the "hots" Victoria had for him, I cringed, not for the first time that day. I was sure my whitewashed stone exterior blushed pink in embarrassment.

"Oh come on, Wonder Woman.....big, red haired broad with the duster."

"Her name is Mees Victoria."

"Yes, Mees Victoria. She has the hots for you. I'm serious! What? Are you intimidated because she's bigger than you? Nah....She could be quite the ride...if you know what I mean."

_Faint goddamn it! Faint!!! _I screamed at my rambling girl.

When they locked her little ass in the toilet I almost collapsed in relief. I didn't even care about her toilet antics. As long as she was locked away from all human interaction, I was happy. Maybe she was right after all...I _had _spoiled her for everyone else. She related to Gargoyles better now than humans. It was ludicrous.

_Fuck. That was the longest day of my everlasting life._

The sun finally started showing signs of setting. Seconds never ticked slower. The roof under my feet started grounding to dust just from the sheer power of my impatience. Bella was still faking an attack of diarrhea and Victoria was fuming outside the door about Bella being utterly nasty on top of everything else. I was going to fix her nice and proper for saying that about my girl. And I knew Rosalie would agree to it....she was a sadist like that. We never crossed the line, but a dying man had to be allowed a few splurges, right?

Not a second after the sun set, I burst free_. _Part of the roof even crumbled under my feet.

"Edward, wait," Carlisle said, trying to caution me. I grabbed Jake with one arm around his neck and dragged him down to the landing with me.

"What?!" Jake was laughing so hard he could barely hold his head up right. I swung him against the wall in jest and pointed a finger at him.

"Don't make me break your arm," I warned him, half smiling, half sneering.

I put on my clothes quickly and rushed in through the window.

"Edward!"

"What!" I screamed at Carlisle.

"What are you going to do?"

I looked at Rose. She didn't even need me to say the words. Any excuse to hypnotize someone.

"Let's do it," she said, with an uncanny smile.

"This is fast getting out of control," Carlisle grumbled.

"Alice, I need you," I said next.

"Right behind you," Alice answered.

"Jake, stay," I warned.

"Why?! I never get to do anything fun!"

Emmett held Jake by his arms and pulled him back.

"Quit it, mutt."

And so the three of us rushed through the castle halls to save Bella from her evening of fun.

_**The End :)**_

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**A/N: Don't leave me hanging now...review!! REVIEW!  
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